First Step

" A man's steps are directed by the Lord. How then can anyone understand his own way?" Proverbs 20:24

In Proverbs I've notived many verses like this one about how God directs your path and to seek after Him. It's something I've really been struggling with this past year as I try to find a job in journalism or just figure out where He wants me to go. A steady steam of resumes have been sent out and I've even considered physical therapy and the Navy. But which of these courses would God want me to take?
So I've been a little confused and having a hard time trying to figure this out. I think, at times, I know exactly where He wants me to go. Taking the first step in that direction is nervewracking. I have a million plus reasons why I shouldn't do it. It's not even like making the first step would too big a deal and maybe that's all God wants. I don't know why He may send me this way. Or anyway.
Like in this verse, how can I, a mere human, understand what these steps mean in the huge scheme of things. He can see ahead of me. I just need to hold His hand and follow.
It's going to be difficult and I'm going to have a huge lifestyle change. This won't be my comfortable little zone any more. But isn't that what this Christian walk is about. Following God no matter where it sends us. Taking that first little step into a much bigger world. As long as I'm holding my Daddy's hand I'll be OK.

Day 1

Today starts the Daniel Fast in the life of me, Jennier, Kayla and Cathy. Only fruits, veggies, nuts and water. No more meats. No more bread. No more milk. AND worst of all: no more Oreos. At least for this month. This fast last through June. It's something big I've never tried. I have fasted before. Usually I go without food, but I've never done any fast relating to food for a month. I am excited.
All day yesturday, doubts seemed to plague my mind. Not only doubts, but just plain stubbornness. And grumbling, let me tell you. So last night I was reading in Numbers where the Isrealites were complaining about not having meat in the desert. (Numbers 11 I do recommend you read it.) Course God got angry...with good reason...and then He struck them with a plague. I'm sitting here whining about not being able to eat meat for a month and then BAM!
Then I started focusing on why I'm doing this. You know, why am I fasting for a month? Because I want to see a revival in our youth. I want to see youth living for Christ. Why? Because it means more people love Jesus. Why? Because they won't go to hell.
I am fasting food so the youth in this community can come to a loving relationship with Christ and will not go to hell.
I can give up meat, bread, milk and Oreos for a month so youth aren't on their way to hell. Heck, maybe even a lifetime of this stuff. OK, let's not get that serious yet. Which makes me feel a little guilty. Let me see how a month goes, then we'll talk. I'm sure they serve Oreos in heaven at the great banquet.
So here it goes.
And day 1 did go well for me although I learned the purple leaves in salad are kinda nasty. They don't taste too bad when you mix them with the rest, but alone they're yuck.

Superwoman

Sometimes I feel like I have to be superwoman. When I was a little kid, when most girls were daydreaming about being princesses or getting married, I was dreaming about saving the world. I would be some kinda superhero or topsecret agent or something. I went on so many adventures and traveled all over the world and to other planets. I was always saving someone. If I ever watched something like the Ninja Turtles or read the Animorphs, somehow I would draft myself in on their adventure...sometimes even saving the original hero. So even back then I had this superhero complex and it has never gone away. I don't daydream like I used to. Sometimes I try to get myself to to get my mind off things, but it just isn't the same. The problem now is, the people I want to save now have bigger problems than they did back then. They haven't been kidnapped and dragged to the ancient planet that refuses to have technology, but somehow has spaceships. Aliens aren't trying to take over the planet and America isn't at war with Russia. Their problems are so much bigger than that. Somehow, I could've saved them if all it was was a kidnapping to Japan. But I can't fight a divorce, depression, sorry friends, past mistakes, nightmares or any number of terrors. And I can't just whack someone in the head with a Bible and they give their life to the Lord. Might make me feel better, but it won't make a difference.
Sometimes I can't even seem to take care of my own.  
I also don't have the abilities to save them. Not like I want to, anyway. I can't morph into a tiger, use telekinesis or my superhuman karate skills to save them. Hiyahhhh!!!!! In fact, I feel weak and incapable of handling these problems. The thing is, I feel like I have an obligation to all of them. I wish I could just take them all away. Wouldn't it be so much easier?
I guess I do have an obligation to all of them. Not in the way I think I should, when I think I could just lift this heavy burden myself and heave it away. I mean, God didn't put me in their lives for no reason.
It's why I try to get up early and pray, even though I seem to have some problems with it. Working on it. I'm plugged into this awesome Power, much greater than myself. Pray without ceasing, right? It's still hard. His timing is nothing like mine and I have no clue how he's using each storm. Brother Robert mentioned that Sunday. Maybe I shouldn't just ask for the storm to go away, but for my friends and familyto have peace through it all. For Him to be their strength. Actuall, why am I sitting here typing about this? I am surrounded by lost people. I know so many hurting people who I want to grab into a giant hug and tell them everything will be all right. I don't know that. Everything might not be all right. But God will use it...somehow. At least He's used all of the storms I've made it out of alive. He took some ashes and made them b-e-a-utiful in my life. He's growing me everyday and I'm a totally different person thanks to those storms. And I've seen some amazing people get saved or grow closer to Christ through them.
Right now, it may be painful. Right now it seems like I can't do anything to help. And on my own I can't. But I do have the Holy Spirit and I do know how to pray. Or am at least learning how to.
So this superwoman is going to get on her knees and give everything to Jesus. And then I'm praying hard for my family.

Always thought that I could be John Wayne
Come sunset I’d sweep you away
But I don’t feel much like him today
I can’t fake it anymore
The way I did before
-The Warren Brothers "Running Out of Heroes"

Tha Grip and back again

Why is it every time I visit Griffin I feel this longing to come back? I love where I live. I love my family, my friends, but there is something about Griffin that draws me back. Maybe it's all the memories and the wonderful friends I made. Many of them have moved on. Not all of them. My bestest friend ever, Carrie, still lives here until she is called to go elsewhere, (i.e. library school). That and my mom lives here and I love being with her. I dread the moment I have to leave her. Auburn and Griffin and simliar in many ways, but very different. Different atmosphere, different memories. Something they have in common is I love them both and both of them are cherished.
They also hold the lives of people I love very much and don't know where I'd be without them. God has placed amazing people in my life no matter where I've lived. Travel down memory lane and many important people stand out in my mind. I don't know where I'd be without them. If there was a way I could take of them and squish them all together, I think I would. I have no idea how well my new friends and old would get along. They are all amazing so I'm pretty sure they'd do well. I think Jennifer and Carrie would get along great. Jessica can be liked by everyone. Leah too! She's too cute not to be liked.  
Like I said, Griffin and Auburn are also different. In Griffin lives my high school and the memories that join it. The nights of marching band and more importantly days spent chillin with my friends. Carrie's basement with it's record player. Without the pressures of a job, it also seems much more relaxing. When I lived here I think it still held this relaxed feeling. I want to stay here when I come, but when I get back I don't have time to think about it. It's like I pause for a moment here and think "hey, this is nice. I like it here." I do think about it when I go home, but not as much.
Back in Auburn/ Opelika, I'm always on the go. I have so much going on. I love the college atmosphere and the family I have there. Thursday nights of the housing authority are perhaps my favorite. How would Griffin benefit from the same? I'm sure someone is doing the same here, right? The memories of Auburn are different. My friends in Griffin are mostly right around my age, but when I go to Auburn I have friends from age 4 until senior citizens. I know if I stayed here it would be the same. At least, I think it would.
I'm just sitting here thinking about this place and how wonderful it is. How I'd like to stay. I am definitely glad I have both these places to call home, even if one I can only visit.
God is great. And home truly is where the heart is.

Part 1...to be continued.

Some topics have been floating around in my mind the last couple of days when I've been in this amazingly good mood. They don't relate until you really start to think about it, and I think a lot. Death. That's the first topic. And no, I wasn't sarcastic when I said I was in a good mood; I'm just crazy enough to think about death while I'm joyful. Life is so fragile and in a minute, we could be gone. I have to ask myself what am I doing in this moment?
It's not like it's something I just started thinking about. My dad has a dangerous career; he has always been upfront about that. My grandmother has gotten her cancer back. Every chance I get, I want to spend with her because it could be the last. And for some reason, I'm applying it to everyone. My friend doesn't have to be in her 70s to go. It reminds me of a couple of years ago when this girl in the marching band was killed in a car wreck. She was only about 18. In an instant she was gone.
There are so many people who don't know Jesus. How many do I pass everyday, work with, go to church with? I can look back on my life and think of people I could have impacted. I don't want to miss any more opportunities. I could be gone tomorrow and what good will it do others. They could be gone.
I don't want to wake up one day and think of more people who need to hear the gospel. I want every moment to count.
And now I've forgotten what else I've been thinking about.

What am I doing here?

I can't write much because I'm at work, but I'm going to write something. What am I doing here? I've been listening to David Platt sermons all day because Cathy is out seeing patients. It makes the time pass. He's talking about spreading the gospel to kids. I pray for opportunities to tell people about Jesus and then never go after them. Like today at lunch. We were talking about concerts we've been to. It was a great discussion, and I was getting into it until new lady asked me if I listen to Dave Matthews. I kinda laugh and go no. Then someone asked me what I listen to. After this whole discussion about secular music I say I mostly listen to Christian music and then thought about saying but I used to listen to... I thought saying that would be stupid and make me look like the weirdo I am. I get to my desk and go "there was my opportunity." I could've given mine musical testimony and I blew it. So now I'm asking myself What the crap am I doing here?

While I'm Waiting

Tonight I have the bible study Momentum is doing in the housing authority. It starts in 30 minutes, but I'm waiting. Waiting for my grandparents so maybe I can help them through the door. Grandaddy has a TKR a couple of days ago and is just now being discharged. I seem to be doing a lot of waiting here lately. Yesturday was my interview with The Shelby County Reporter. It didn't go as well as I would hope, but it's all in God's hands. He'll place me right where He needs me. I have no idea where I want to be anymore. I know I don't want to work at Home Care for forever. I love the people I work with. It's amazing how much they mean to me, but it's not my field and I hate being stuck in an office. It's like when they cage tigers at a zoo. Those born in the wild, not the ones born in a cage. Stupid analogy, but it's what I feel like. I always wanted to be a reporter and I still do, but I hate leaving everyone. My family (too many to name), my church family (even more too many.) Amanda, Jennifer (Lassiter and Fucci), Beth, Brooke (OK, that whole family), Joey, Grace... (And I still tried to name them after I said there were too many.) Man, I love everyone here and hate to just ditch them. For what? A job in my field in the middle of nowhere. OK, that is not how I see this job and no one is allowed to [mis]quote me on this. It would be a great opportunity. Espeically if it's what God wants. What I want really doesn't matter anymore. I have 20 minutes till it starts. How long does it take to kick him out of the hospital?